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"Love, love is a verb

Love is a doing word

Fearless on my breath..."

Newton faulkner - Teardrop

It sounds as if its very cliche. Personally I feel we underestimate what it entirely means. Or perhaps it just because my own personal experiences take me into my personal perspective.

Growing up from family where my aunts and uncles lived nearby and grow up together - as my parents were the oldest and helped everyone to get into their feet, especially going to school, love involves in many different forms. The desire and commitment to give your best, the trust you build and help each other up, the discipline of it to do your best to contribute to the bigger pictures, the understanding that once you get into your feet, its your turn to help the others.

The bigger the family the more you see many people came into your circles. I saw people come and go, some stayed, some choose to stay out for whatever the reasons. I saw what love can bring when it turn the head into different way, in less attractive way of the edges of the spectrum. I guess I don't have to explain.

Growing from this picture, there is this sense of contributing, of giving back into the bigger picture as much as we can. Of some extend what so called - self sacrificing. The tendency of thinking "oh that's not too bad, other people I know had it worst." - or so what called - minimising the effects. As if what happened to us is insignificant.

It take me a great effort to learn what it means by "love myself first before loving others". I tend to give into anyone I love everything I have until I have no more, and still giving. I minimised the impact by saying - well, that's okay because... whatever the reasons we created to make it as if its okay.

The first thing I learn alongside with my meditation practice is... assessing my own feeling. My own state of being. How do I feel? Am I really okay with this? If I am not, why am I still doing it? What is it that makes me do this self sacrifice?

At the other spectrums, I had seen a lot. A mother curled to the side protecting her baby as her bike hit by a car (she was a passenger), someone drop the baby down away from the fire before that person jumped down and broke his leg as landed, and many other things I don't need to say. Love also involve unconditional things, that even if you are gone you still wish this person well, that the person you love will still living their life the fullest.

In love where we often give with expecting to return the same "amount" of the feeling we give, in such situations it often leading us to... wanting to control and knowing everything anything about our love ones. I am one of those lucky ones that rarely feel jealousy. Perhaps I am the naive ones that live in my head and my dreams, that everyone has the same thoughts as me. When I say "I love you" to my love ones - in any way-, I do love them and trust them as they are, in many different ways. I trust them as that feeling grow, as they grow, as love for me not growing in an instant - except my love to my babies :-)

There and then when I say "I love you" to my love ones, I understand and take responsibility, that by then I have no more control over this feeling and is having no control over that person, and that person is having no obligation to love me the way I love them, or even to love me at all, may it be my family, friends, or anyone. There and then, the love become as it is. A concept that translate into a verb that lead me into doing something even better than I was before, with or without this person loves me as I love them. I can still feel this person existence is engraved in my heart leaving footprints with our encounters of interactions, and yet nothing I would like to make them hold back with me, especially none without their consent. it should give them wings. If they comes back, it's their own choice. If they stay, its their own decision. Hence it is very scary.

It is scary for a child knowing they love their parents yet no control over their parent's life. It's very scary as parents to know their children have their own life and living far away yet has no control over the children's life choices. It is scary for a lover to say to their love ones about their feeling because once it is said it will stay there and no one can take it back neither have control over another. It's scary to a friend to say I love you just the way you are without expectation that you should love me as much. Those binds that tie hearts with unconditional binds and give and receive as it rises and as it colouring their spectrums. It is scary with the thought of the ability of human prefrontal cortex of making plans but yet, in this scenario there is no human plan at all that is guaranteed. Because life, have no certain guarantee in the future no matter how much we put illusions into it. What we have is right now, that feelings, and that person, right there that moment in time. May it our children, our parents, our friends, our lovers, or anyone passing by to our life. Like a jar of hope to sweeten our mind and to carry on toward any plans of our prefrontal cortex forseen, and yet we do it because we have this well wishes and dreams for our own future and happiness, as well as to others.

Yet each human being yearn to give and receive love. They thrive in the right "conditions" of love and they die in the "harsh" conditions of love. The love, as anything else, has double side blade that is slicing very sharply to those who are not ready to the whole spectrum of love. Honesty that we often doesn't want to hear and then we swap it for little lies to make everything and everyone feels better. The fear of saying truthfully from our heart that stopping us saying what we need and want in the hope of others to read our mind, and instead continuously self sacrifice to please others. Understanding and respect that sometime leads to arguments and miscommunications, but in the right hearts and willingness to be open and transparent, these will also make the love thrive.

I experience both. In my shadow side I will say I experienced worst more. But in my lighter side I would say I experience greatest things too, meet great people and experience great heart warming things. In me right now, simply, I experience both. I am both extrimities, and yet I am neither. Because I was not that person anymore in that moment in time, i am the loving one that keep loving, I am the angry one that hold dear to my deepest scars, I am those but I am none. I am the keep changing existence and continues transformation in each lessons of life, each moment in time, as I believe every one does. But I guarantee you this. That once I said I love you, that really come from my heart, and once I say that - I let go of my heart and have no more control anymore over this feeling. Hence those I keep in my heart, you all have carved me into who am I right now, in any spectrums as our life crossover. For that, I gratitude for your love and your encounters.

Because bravery is that ability to get back up and brush yourself when you fall, made mistakes, and do what feels right for you. And do it in the name of Love.

Happy valentine, all. May your time with your splendid ones will fill your heart with all the greatest things life can offer. As love is what we should cherish most in any time of our life time.

photo credit below and the beautiful drum from: Daniel Suchefort (check his www.basarabdrums.com) which by this time I finish writing it has not arriving yet ...

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