A dive into the depth

May 17, 2020


"About the Sun"


That sun above your head is 

the gas balloon that escaped your fingers

where you were small, the light bulb

above the table where you anwered letters

regularly received from a certain Address,

an alarm clock ringing

when you make love, the picture of the moon

the child points at and says: -

"it's the sun, its the sun!"

The sun?Yes! its up there

so that forever you will drag behind 

your shadows.


by Sapardi Djoko Damono translated by John H. McGlynn and Kratz




I talked to my mum this morning via the phone - the realisation that in this changing time - my parents that living half way across the globe and most relatives i know and many other people - experiencing this global changes. My mind wonder, what in the future I would remember in this particular time?


While like everybody else - I am deep into my own thoughts of going along in this big wave questioning my day to day living and survival and continuing in the way I am living currently - if not more (now be honest - who on earth never wanted more of anything they have). How would things changes after this period of time? 


Living abroad alone with two children with language I am still learning in a place I am now calling home, in culture I am constantly adapting and trying to make it mine - its fun but at the same time can be challenging. Plus - no family nearby - but lucky enough to have friends that “genuinely” help  (I underline the word “genuine” as the study of altruism were one of those subject that interest me - if not amazed me).


While I am busy-ing myself - news from home always keep me back. I can count 123 of things that did not or does not work for me as I hoped for - but yet here I am physically mentally healthy. I have the most resources I could perhaps hoping for.


See the thing about gratitude or “syukur” or blessing or lucky in Indonesia  - means it taught me to see half full cup - most of the time. When someone had an accident and had to lost a leg for example - we always said - “luckily you are still okay and living”. There is always a blessing in disguise in anything  - if we have a brave enough heart to continue. “Gratitude” of the living and our existence in each present moment is not only concept that we had to applied for - it is already embedded in our culture. And if we continue with these, seeing the cup is half full - I learnt that it would worth it. 





Clinically diagnoses with anxiety and panic attack once in my life - with prognosis of asthma since childhood - i physically understand how it meant by the idioms “gasping for air”. Luckily (again! I have asthma from childhood although clinically diagnosed later - i knew what