"The best gift we can give to our selves - the realisations that we are worthy as we are"
Being stalked in several occasions at different countries made me wonder sometime with what is behind the head of these stalkers. Some friends said perhaps it just a secret admirers that too shy to say hello. my head said - that is not an excused to behave such way.
Let me explained how I felt first time I had someone stalked me. I felt seriously scared. Oh no, it was not the first time someone flashing on me - I had experienced the flashing way before first time I realised someone stalked me. Yeah it was shocking when someone flashing on me when I was a teenage, I didn't know what this people want - but the insecurity and the fear was not even close to the feeling when you knew you were being stalked in real time real life in person.
Long long time ago - I was stalked as I was in the airport. As I arrived in my destination I received a message saying this person who leave no name feels good to see me with my white shoes. I was looked good - he said (I assume its a he - but now thinking of it I would have never know). I remember I looked at my shoes thinking I could scream until the entire building down and throw those shoes to the end of the world and never seen it again, but I didn't. I didn’t say to any people for few days about my experiences, my emotions, my troubled mind. I hide it away. I then started to worry about going outside, worry about doing things that I normally do myself. I become someone i didn't know. What this person wanted from me, I questioned myself. Why? WHY on earth of these many population of the world it was ME? Many questions came after. Why me, why now, how did I know this person, what if I bump into this person which freaked me out, 1001 what if... It endless.
Some friends said, a long time after this incident happened, for me to just shake it off. As if a sand in our feet after we had a walk on the beach or swim in the sea and we could just "shake it off". No, its not as simple as that. To just “forget about it” as if nothing. See - I still remember the partial face of person who stalked me, or flashed at me. It made me wanted to vomit sometime when the memory came to my head. Its not that we are friends or acquaintance or anything like that - that we can then walk along each side of another or "walk behind you" or "saw you passing by with this and that", or sending messages saying “hey it is good to see you today - i saw you passing by in blah blah and you wear this blah blah. you look great!” no such things. This is a thug that you have no correspondence with or know anything about or realised that they are even existed! And somehow these people knew how to cross path with you, and not only that! but also WOULD LIKE to be noticed about their existence that they were on you.
Some flashers I say, yeah they were quiet obviously weirdos. I had some of them came to me and showing me theirs - pardon my language, that doesn’t even worth to look at. Why would you? in such place? At some point I was so annoyed as it happened too many times, but I know these people gain their "ecstatic feelings" by seeing their victims scares, angry, unprepared, and usually they did that to women that were smaller than them, expecting these women just too scared and shocked to do anything else.
One day, I had this of weirdo came at me. Funnily it had happened to me at this specific place where I walked at more than once. First time it was late night, i was walking alone, so i wasn’t paying attention to this guy until i realised someone walking too close and holding his trousers. I turned on my mobile phone and start talking with my family on the phone. The glare of my phone showed me what this guy were doing. He was then went away. Second time another guy in broad daylight, walking and talking to me “look - look” I was confused until I realised what he did. I put my phone out and said to him “oh that’s it? Thats not much doesn’t it, not even obviously seen!!! should I take photo of it so you can see? and I can put it here on that tree so you can get it when you passing by? Should I?” That crazy bloke walked away. Not saying I was not furious to the roof that time - what an ass! And I am not a sissy! Now that was that, there were few more incidents of ass grabber in public by some complete strangers, boobs grabbers, at some point of my life I cursed my self of being a woman in an unfair world. I remember i saw similar things happened to girls or women in front of me where they were screamed - or scared to this flasher and run away toward me out of breath. When I asked where were this man and they showed me - the freak already left.
From this experiences I learned that - these actions of stalking which is very different with flashing, creates similar impact on me. That feeling that is something wrong with me that attract this bunch of weirdos. Why me? Why here? Whats the reason? Its all about sexuality, sensuality and the sexual thoughts and desires that were attracting these men to ME? How? Why? That was the hardest things to accept.
If you ever experienced this you might understand what I am talking about. If you don’t - after series of these actions of irresponsible people, and in most recent few days ago that someone obviously stalked me and made himself been seen by me, the shame feeling persists. For hours, the questions why me, why now, what do you want from me, and all those ruminating my head. Then arriving after these questions were the insecurity. The worry whether these stalked will ended here, or whether it would be more. This is the work of person who feel powerful by overpowering others and take away the feeling of control and safety in my own place. For able to make me feel breathless and insecure - and for what they could and had made me - I do not like any pieces of it.
However, in each moment in time I knew i had been there, several times. I wouldn’t give up to let anyone taking my peace of mind off me. The next day after someone stalk or flashing or grabbing at me - I am always worried to go out in case this guy make me as a target and did it again, especially to the guys I had been confronted to. Just because they know that last time it worked, or not work so they need to vengeance. And that moment - if you ever experienced it - you know that is the crucial moment. Get up, get out, and don’t let anyone with such behaviour make you lost your moment in life to experience the greatest things you can experience. I promises you, its worth it. And next time someone did that to you, you could even pick up your pieces of your heart together, came to that guy like the person who flashing at me, and told him how unworthy what he did and that would never be in million years going to effect me. This is a play of an ego - to see who can control who.
As recently happened few days ago, this person in his bike, i was in my bike too - he bike parallel at me at same directions and stopped just not far from my house. as I turned to park my bike, he turned his bike the other way while watching me, intentionally caught my eyes. Some part of me were itching to step toward this person and said - what do you want. But i didnt. I saw his hand reach toward his trousers pocket which I thought he would flashing at me, but he didnt.
Nowdays I believe stalkers and flashers are the same - they want that feeling of overpowering the person they stalked or flashed at, to tell as if they knew this person personally in which made me clueless because no chance I knew any of these men. The realisations that stalking not happening because of random choices, neither the flashing, made it even more difficult to digest, that someone in their own time spending so much effort to do THAT to me. But i found out, that if I am putting myself as the victims and given up to what these people wanted me to feel than I am doom. They played they game well and they could took what most precious of me, my peace of mind - no chance I would give up on that. I would not let anyone to do that to people I knew, let alone to myself and for that I choose to claimed my emotional state. In my persistency to not let go of my freedom of movement, peace of mind and not to buckled into emotional draught. I have the choice. To show to these people that these actions of terror (yes - it was scary) will not going to work, not to us.
If many of us doing it together - perhaps we could make a difference.